Sports Centered

This play premiered at the 2007 Philadelphia Fringe Festival. Produced by Tactile Theatre and set in Tattooed Moms’s, it starred Nathaniel Roberston and Daniel Student. 

“...clever and pointed and just the right length.” - Howard Shapiro, Philadelphia Inquirer

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2 I caught the highlights.

1 It's not the same. You should’ve seen our star player.

2 Did he have an amazing game?

1 Amazing's an understatement. It might have been his best game ever. And you missed it.

2 Ever?

1 I wouldn't doubt it.

2 Better than the time he made the almost inconceivable play that won our team a big game?

1 Better. In fact, he did make an almost inconceivable play that won our team the game. Of course it wasn't a big game.

2 Well, no.

1 So, it was probably easier.

2 Sure.

1 But it was still some game for our star player.

2 Better than the game when he broke the record?

1 Which record?

2 The one that couldn't be broken.

1 Better. In fact he almost did break a record.

2 The record that couldn't be broken?

1 No, that's still held by the star player of our arch rival.

2 I hate the star player of our arch rival.

1 And our arch rival.

2 Without saying.

1 Of course.

2 They're the worst. That's why I hate them.

1 And they'll never be as good as our team.

2 Of course not.

    There is a loud, obnoxious noise of someone disagreeing, just offstage.

1 and 2 (to the disagreeing noise) Shut up!

1 (to the disagreeing noise) You don't know what you're talking about.

2 (to the disagreeing noise) Besides, their old players are too old.

1 Yeah!

2 (to the disagreeing noise) And their rookies are too young.

1 Yeah!

2 (to the disagreeing noise) And their coaches make poor decisions.

1 Yeah!

    The disagreeing noise sounds again.

2 (to the disagreeing noise) Oh, people are always bringing up their star player. He's not nearly as good as people give him credit for.

1 Yeah, nearly!

2 And our arch rival overpays him.

1 Yeah, overpays!

2 And I heard he spends that money on a morally reprehensible activity.

1 Morally reprehensible! Wooooo!

    The disagreeing noise is silenced.

2 Well, that shut him up.

1 I’ll say.

2 Congratulations. You defended our team nobly.

1 As did you... To the team.

2 To the team.

    They toast.

1 So what did you think of that slightly unusual turn of events that happened early in the game and made no real impact on the outcome?


Oh. That’s right.

2 I did my best, I caught the highlights.

1 Why didn’t you go to your local watering hole to catch the action?

2 It’s been sold to make way for a big chain store.

1 Why didn’t you go to the sports bar?

2 The game got bumped for a new, trendy pseudo-sport.

1 Why didn’t you come to my house?


2 I was lucky that the expensive TV reception system was repaired in time for me to catch the highlights.

1 You’re lucky to have caught the- Highlights don't tell the whole story. The minute strategy which we analyze from every angle. The drama of each moment, the poetry of our star player, the near-orgasmic rush of scoring. And... and... the absolute ecstasy and grandeur of life told through those * who play the game, and can only be shared by two completely heterosexual men. You can’t be serious. Highlights? Highlights?